<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Always by Emilia3546</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361075">Always</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilia3546/pseuds/Emilia3546'>Emilia3546</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nesta's healing [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Illyrian Camps (ACoTaR), Nessian - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:22:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,152</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361075</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilia3546/pseuds/Emilia3546</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nesta has never been able to face her emotions, now that Cassian has seen a part of her that she's hidden for so long, she has to get away, to take time for herself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nesta Archeron/Cassian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nesta's healing [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120889</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Always</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sorry I've not been writing guys, I've been so bogged down with work this past week, but hopefully I should have some more time now, keep an eye out.</p><p>As always, drop any requests in the comments.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nesta stumbled out of bed the next morning, leaving Cassian sleeping as she pulled on her leathers, and ran. She threw the door open, and left it as she ran, and ran, until the air was like icy daggers in her lungs, until she couldn't see the camp, couldn't hear any noise as it woke up with the sunrise. She forced herself to take several deep breaths of the cold mountain air, forced her lungs to fill again and again, until her breathing returned to normal, until her heart stopped racing, until her head stopped spinning. She sat down, leaning against a tree, and closed her eyes, surrounded by the serenity of the mountain sunrise, for the first time, a weight lifted off her chest.</p><p>It was a temporary release. Moments later that weight came crashing down, a thousand times harder, with the weight of one word. She couldn't face it, not now, perhaps not ever. The weight of that one word, one name, would crush her.</p><p>Cassian.</p><p>The thought crashed through her mind, she couldn't face him, not when he had seen her cry. No-one, not even Elain had ever seen her cry, and she'd be damned if she'd cry in front of an arrogant fae bastard. Yes, he'd been kind, had made sure she was okay, but he should never had seen her cry, and he never would again. She was fine, of course she was. She leaned her head back against the tree, and a tight band wrapped around her chest, squeezing the breath out of her, what if he was worried and came looking for her? She didn't want to be found, not yet, she needed time to organize her thoughts, after last night, her mind was a mess, her thoughts jumbled.</p><p>She leapt to her feet, scanning the sight for any sign of an overgrown bat on the horizon, but loosed a breath at the lack of any blot on the rosy sky.</p><p>With the threat of discovery gone, Nesta was forced to face the reason she ran, fear. She was afraid, she had been for years, and it was slowly destroying her. She was afraid that something else would happen to hurt those closest to her. She was afraid that she would never settle into immortal life. She was afraid of Cassian. No, not of him, of what she felt for him, the joy she struggled to stifle when he entered the room, the fear when he left. She was afraid that he would get hurt in the coming rebellion, as much as he tried to hide it, she knew one was coming. She was scared to admit her feelings, and then lose him.</p><p>Tears started to flow silently down her cheeks with each thought. She wouldn't do anything, not now, perhaps later, once she'd had time, time to recover from the war, from everything that had happened. She felt the blows all the more acutely now, as if she had numbed her feelings for so long, and something had broken that shield, or more accurately, someone. He had ruined everything. She had been miserable before, but she had known her own mind, had been in control. No more. She hadn't been in control since she was dragged from her house in the middle of the night. She blocked out the memory. Enough. She would get it together. She would return and say she wanted some fresh air. She would keep herself distanced from him. She wouldn't let him close enough to hurt her. She would do what she had always done.</p><p>*****</p><p>Cassian made another pass in front of the fireplace, cursing himself for not waking when she did. She'd been gone for hours, and he knew better than to search for her now, when she needed space, from him, from the world. But it <em>hurt.</em> She didn't trust him, probably hated him even more for seeing her weakness last night, but he couldn't leave her alone, couldn't let her fall into despair, not without trying.</p><p>He didn't know where he was going, just that he had to go, his instincts leading him as he launched into the sky, the last light of day sending red and gold streaks across the darkening sky. He scanned the forest beneath him as he flew, each beat of his wings carrying him closer. </p><p>Nesta was staring at him as he landed, but there was no hate in her gaze, </p><p>"Go away, Cassian."</p><p>"Do you really want me to leave, sweetheart? Say it again and I'll go, ask me to stay and I'll stay."</p><p>"Do what you want." She snapped, wall after wall snapping back up between them, "Where even are we, anyway?"</p><p>"About five miles from the camp. Come back sweetheart."</p><p>"Don't. Call me that." She snarled, pushing past him to head back the way she must have come, </p><p>"Nesta, please, tell me how I can help." </p><p>"Stay away from me." She whispered, "Just, just," she broke off with a sigh, and turned to look back at him, ghosts and terror shining in her eyes, "What's the point? What's the point of immortality when everyone around me is dying?" He stepped towards her, but left a few steps of space,</p><p>"Immortality is a long time to carry your burdens alone," he started, but paused at the flash of fear in her eyes, "It's okay, to feel like this, I mean."</p><p>"I just don't know where I fit in to this world," she admitted, but shrugged it off, trying to pass over it quickly, to deflect his attention,</p><p>"Can I tell you a secret?" She blinked in surprise, but nodded, "Neither do I. Sometimes I'm torn between Illyria and Velaris, between being a General and wanted to be accepted at last, between caring for my troops and being in command. It's not an easy burden to carry, but alone it would crush me. Let me help, please, whatever I can do, let me ease that burden for you." For once she was speechless, but nodded, </p><p>"I can't promise to be able to tell you everything, but I will try, to let you help."</p><p>"I know, just try." She didn't flinch away from him as he folded her into his arms, and held her tight against his chest, "I'm sorry."</p><p>"What for?"</p><p>"I failed, I promised to protect you, and failed, you should never have been brought into the war, I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop it." </p><p>"Cassian,"</p><p>"It's okay, I know I failed, but now-"</p><p>"Cassian." She repeated, stronger this time, "You didn't fail anyone, you were fighting a war, you did everything you could to protect me, to protect Elain, and Feyre. If I hadn't been brought into the war, I never would have had any time with you, at all, and, if you'll give me time to sort myself out now, we can have that time.</p><p>"Always."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As ACOSF is coming out tomorrow, I have decided not to continue this particular series as ACOSF will basically cover it, but I will continue with my other works. Love you all x</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>